Friends, if the pen is mightier than the sword, then my pen is an aircraft carrier. And I will wield with the care a doe shows her fawn, the steady hand of a surgeon who just made his last boat payment and the strength of a hundred drunken Teddy Roosevelts. I will deliver you a banquet of art, commerce, and multi-tiered cakes. Engage me and your business will be transformed into a lion sporting a tattoo of a grizzly bear, boxing an enraged Statue of Liberty, both of which are on fire. My specialities: Lovers swooned, troops rallied, heroes memorialized, great American novels ghostwritten, speeches guaranteed to impress the learned and enlighten the dull, torch-wielding mobs incited or calmed on command, products flogged without regard to shame or decorum, histories invented whole, focus groups delighted, profanities invented hourly, dirty limericks told (excepting the young and elderly), songs, ditties, and dirges composed for any and all occasions. Shanties a specialty. Effective creative direction guaranteed. I fear no blank page, no assignment, and no man. Compensation negotiable. Beer appreciated. Accept no imitations: I fell lesser writers and stack them like cordwood. Seek me out forthwith and let my pencil lead you to the promised land of love, success, and invigorated ROI.